"If I were King of the forest ..."

November really isn't that far off for those of us who can't wait to rush down to our respective polling places to cast our vote for the next President of the United States. Without trying to insult any of our valued readers, you do have to admit that the choices we're likely to have in November are less than appealing. On the Republican side, there isn't anyone willing to go up against George Bush. The Democrats on the other hand have always risen to the challenge, and frequently hit the canvas early in the first round.

Our fellow Americans in the other political parties have always been active right up to the big convention, and then seem to fade into the mists of Brigadoon, managing only a brief appearance every four years (so the legend goes). So the question I ask ladies and gentlemen, is whether or not you're ready to make a real choice in November. As I sit proudly at my personal computer, with my children in front of the TV, and my loving wife at the mall, I am formally announcing my candidacy for President of the United States of America. Running on a TPF platform, I'm prepared to address the real problems facing this great nation of ours. As an example, I'd like to spend a moment on two very serious problems that every other candidate has avoided.

The Environment Problem
What's the real cause of the pollution in the processing systems we've developed? Our industry leaders have seen fit to create massive production "machines" without allowing enough time, or enough money to keep the environment clean. Since the "garbage" was never taken into account to begin with, the easiest way to deal with it was to let it collect in dumps. My friends, I've seen my share of dumps, and I can tell you from personal experience, some of these dumps are catastrophic! I will work to clean up all of the dumps, in all of the cities, and make our great system a clean and safe environment for all people.

The Crime Problem
If there's one issue that strikes very close to home, it's the crime problem. No family tree is immune, and every parent knows that regardless of how fixed they may be, their children are in that pool that is subject to corruption. Often treated as just another number, it's time we faced up to the problem, and addressed a way to find the information we need. If elected, I will insure that those elements that have broken their chains and flown the coup, will be recouped! Additionally, special operations teams will be mounting drives every night to capture these elements, and restore things back to the way they used to be.

In Conclusion
My administration would be designed for efficiency, assembled quickly, and implemented cleanly. This core-resident group would be quick to respond if a particular program failed, and would keep the lines of communication up and running 24 hours a day. Can any other candidate offer a better platform to run on? I don't think so. Those other guys are too closely tied to outside business concerns, and just don't have the ability to respond fast enough when a request finally does make it through the maze of schedulers and initiators.

I've never held any political office before, which should make me eminently qualified for the Presidency. My personal life is beyond reproach, and I've never belonged to any country club that was restricted to marijuana smoking-minority-adulterers. What more could you ask for? Is there really anyone else out there with the brains, or the heart, or the courage for the job? If you can't find someone else to vote for between now and November 3rd, keep me in mind. Just don't call me if there's a football game on the tube. It's those Lions, and Bengals and Bears, (oh my!).

Alan Sadowsky