"What's all the fuss?"
An exclusive interview with Saddam Hussein
by Alan Sadowsky
In our constant effort to bring our readers the latest in world news, ACP·TPF Today arranged for an exclusive interview with Saddam Hussein in order to get his perspective on the current situation in the Middle East.
ATT: Mr. Hussein, how do you respond to the charges of aggression regarding your invasion of Kuwait?
SH: I'm glad you asked that question. There has been a terrible misunderstanding here. What you Americans are calling an invasion has been completely blown out of proportion. Our intentions towards Kuwait were purely honorable. In fact, we don't care about Kuwait. We were just trying to get to Saudi Arabia.
ATT: With 150,000 troops and several thousand tanks?
SH: Another misunderstanding! I like to travel with a few friends.
ATT: And several armored divisions???
SH: We didn't have any choice. The Chevy was in the shop, and Avis wanted too much for a rental.
ATT: OK, then what was the attraction in Saudi Arabia?
SH: I heard they have a great TPF shop, and I wanted a closer look. For years we've been trying to clean up our poor excuse for a reservation system for Iraqi Air.
ATT: Wait a minute. You're trying to tell me this was a business trip?
SH: Exactly. You know advanced seat selection can make all the difference between a good vacation and a great vacation. Your President Bush has got this thing all wrong. To be honest, I think he's just ticked-off about the fact that Barbara got bumped off one of our flights last year.
ATT: Mrs. Bush was bumped off of an Iraqi Air flight???
SH: Yeah, last March. She was over here for the Dromedary Grand Prix. Let me tell you something. That lady knows her camels!
ATT: I'm finding this all hard to believe. Are you telling me that the United States and the coalition forces went to war because of an overbooking?
SH: Well it's more than just overbooking. After Mrs. Bush was escorted off the flight, she was put into a 1954 Rambler, and driven back to her hotel. She called me whining about the inconvenience, and the deplorable condition of the taxi cab. I tried to explain that we are a poor country, and can't afford the degree of luxury she was accustomed to.
ATT: Was she sympathetic?
SH: Not at all! She went on and on about the bald tires, the AM radio, and the lack of air-conditioning. I guess I lost my temper, and before I could stop myself, I just blurted out; "Read my lips Barbara. NO NEW TAXIS!"
SH: What can I say? I lost my cool.
ATT: (And your Air Force!, and your Navy!!, and your Army!!! you stupid twit.) Let's get back to your "business trip" if we could. Am I to understand that all you really want is a TPF system for Iraqi Airlines?
SH: And why not? With a system like TPF, we could start our own Frequent Flyer plan. Think of the possibilities. With enough miles, we could offer free tickets to Lebanon.
ATT: There is still the matter of the thousands of Kuwaiti hostages you hold against their will.
SH: There's that word again. Those people are not hostages. They are my guests. We even went out of our way to entertain them. Most of them were treated to free tours of our industrial facilities and military bases. Which raises another point. Iraq does not have any chemical weapons. Our chemical plants were built for one reason and one reason only. We're trying to provide our people with adequate protection from the sun. All we produce at these plants is suntan lotion!
ATT: Excuse me?
SH: This isn't Miami Beach my friend, this is the Middle East. You spend a few hours in the desert sun, and you fry your brain. Take it from me, I know!
ATT: We're almost out of time Mr. Hussein. One last question?
ATT: Why all this interest in TPF?
SH: Funny you should ask. About six months ago I got a copy of your newsletter in the mail. Next to watching CNN, there's nothing I enjoy more than ACP/TPF Today. I guess you could say you're the cause of this whole mess. Keep up the good work!