It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

Well at least it is in the malls. It's still early November, so the mad dash to string enough Christmas lights so the house glows like Chernobyl hasn't quite started yet. But rather then target Christmas, or for that matter Thanksgiving, I've decided that my editorial focus for this last issue of 1996 will be that time honored tradition, the "New Year's Resolution".

For those of you unfamiliar with the historical basis for the NYR, you might want to take some notes, because not only will this be entertaining... but educational as well!

Hundreds, if not millions of years ago when the earth was still in its infancy, in an area destined to become the state of Alabama, a group of cave-dwelling beings spent the better part of two days drinking from a pool of fermented fruits and vegetables. With a limited number of things to discuss (the wheel... fire...maybe another wheel...) their attention was clearly on the refreshments. The acknowledged leader of the group was a fellow by the name of Nooey Ears - a name uncaringly thrust upon him when he was born with a case of "Would you look at the scoops on that guy- itis", a common affliction shared even today by Alfred E. Newman, Prince Charles, Ross Perot, and Dumbo. But back to our history lesson. When Nooey awoke the next morning with the world's first recorded hangover, he promised himself that if the hair on his head (and back, and arms, and face, and tongue) ever stopped hurting, he would never take another drop again. This ladies and gentlemen, was the first Nooey Ears resolution.

Now the first thing you all want to do is to throw away last year's list of resolutions. Chances are if you're still carrying it around, you haven't actually done any of them. Next, you want to make sure you understand what this whole resolution thing is all about. In a nutshell a NYR is a goal that you set for yourself, but more importantly, it's a goal that if achieved will benefit you; typically things like quiting smoking or going on a diet. Nobel aspirations, but too often short-lived, or never attempted. So what I've done for you folks (and it's only because I'm a nice guy), is put together a list of resolutions that are not only far from anything you might ever come up with yourselves, but are also achievable and beneficial. Please feel free to take as many as you think you can handle, and let's start the New Year off on a positive note.

• Start flossing your teeth more than 5 days before your next dental appointment.
  
• Any time you pass a rack of greeting cards, buy at least one card for your wife. (You'll worship me for this one.)
  
• The next time anyone calls and asks about your long distance service, tell them you'll only switch carriers for half a million dollars in cash.
  
• When your waiter introduces himself to you in a restaurant, be sure to introduce everyone at your table to him.
  
• Under no circumstances should you buy anything marked "new & improved".
  
• On Monday January 27th, everyone (and I mean everyone), tell your boss it's time you got a raise.
  
• Make your next automobile purchase at Max Greenbaum's Autoplex in Secaucus, New Jersey. (O.K. this isn't really a resolution... I'm just doing my Uncle Max a favor.)
  
• Next time you're at a garage sale, ask "How much for the garage?"
  
• When at the supermarket check-out, tell the clerk you don't want paper OR plastic.
  
• Publish an article in ACPTPF Today.

To all of our readers, friends, and colleagues: Best Wishes For The Holidays from All Of Us at ACPTPF Today!

Alan Sadowsky