Vote, and Vote Often!
Back in 1992, I threw my hat in the ring for the Presidency of the United States. For reasons I still can't explain, Bill Clinton was elected and I set my sights on 1996. Well it's time to take the plunge once again, so I am formally declaring my candidacy for President. Before I discuss my platform, it's only fitting that I mention a few things about my distinguished opponents.
Bob Dull... I mean Bob Droll, I mean... well that's enough about him. Steve Gimme-Gimme, Buyme-Buyme Forbes... now there's a guy who can really relate to the average hard working, bill paying American. Lamar (change the shirt already) Alexander... cut from the fabric of the Heartland. Unfortunately, it's flannel. And last, but certainly least ladies and gentlemen, your friend and mine, Pat Buchanan... a scary proposition if ever there was one. I purposely avoided saying anything about Uncle Bill since Hillary is the one really running the show anyway. But I digress, and you should know what I can do for this great nation if elected President.
First, let's get the important stuff out in the open. I've never been arrested. I've never cheated on my wife. I don't have a lot of money in the bank. I'm not a lawyer. I have inhaled. I've never held public office or a political position. I did not avoid the draft. I hate paying taxes. I believe in gun control. I believe in punishment fitting the crime. I believe that alcohol is just as harmful as tobacco. I believe that education for everyone, not just our children should be a top priority. I believe that if we engage in any armed conflict it should be (in no uncertain terms) for the sole purpose of winning decisively. I believe that anyone with the desire and the conviction can be President, and I believe I'd be a better President than most.
I'm running on the TPF platform... Truth, Perseverance, and Faith. Can you imagine a government that actually told the truth? Can you grasp the implications of a Commander-in-Chief persevering through the special interest agendas or the phalanx of lifelong career politicians? Can you imagine what we as a people could accomplish with unified faith in our elected officials? We would be light years ahead in health care, space exploration, racial and ethnic equality, environmental responsibility, respect for the law, industrial growth, and an overall enhanced quality of life. To some people, that's a scary thought. To others it's a pipe dream. But I'll bet that for most of us it's the way we would really like things to be.
Any good VP/Director/Manager knows that in order to be successful, you have to surround yourself with the right talent and advisors. The President is still only one person, and let's be honest no one person has all the answers. But by being brought up within the political community, and playing the game for years to get to the point where the Presidency becomes a possibility, you've already sacrificed the very ideals that prompted the calling in the first place. And if the electoral chips fall your way, there's no doubt that you will surround yourself with the wrong group of high-level advisors. So here's the deal. Vote for me!
I've got a good friend who's a CPA in Miami. I'll get him working on the deficit. Another friend is a Child Psychologist. Who better to deal with Congress? My wife won't buy a thing in the department stores unless it's on sale, and marked down, and they'll take another 10% off at the register. You won't believe the money we'll save on the government purchase of goods and services. I think you get the idea. As for myself, I have a long list of things I hope to accomplish. Did you ever consider the fact that the President of the United States has the exclusive ability to push the button and initiate a nuclear strike that in all likelihood would destroy the human race as we know it. One person, entrusted with this terrible responsibility and this awesome power. We knowingly elect this person, and we blindly trust that we've made the right choice. Shouldn't this person who can condemn millions to death in the blink of an eye, also be strong enough and powerful enough to eliminate homelessness, or hunger? It doesn't take a politician, and it doesn't take a millionaire. It just takes someone who really cares enough, and is willing to take the good with the bad. I sure can't do any worse than what the other glowing prospects are offering, and if I should get elected, every TPF'er in the world is getting an invitation to the inauguration. What I need now, is a running mate, so if there's anyone else out there with the right stuff, drop me a line at TPF_TODAY@PRODIGY.COM and let's fix this mess once and for all.